My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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