i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
