i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
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