my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
