who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize