I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Pants are for mortals
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
