our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
