Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
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