Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
