you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I need moral support for this bender
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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