bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
not ubering you a puppy
I need a beard to bite.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
