Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
