I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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