Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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