so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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