I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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