break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
