Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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