Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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