I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Even my vagina gasped.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
