guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
