his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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