Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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