Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
