There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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