The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
