Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize