Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
