Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
