The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
