I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
My life is pants optional.
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