I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
