Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I think a kid would responsible me up
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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