i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
