I'm jealous of your bromance
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think people are normalizing furries
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
