i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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