mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
