I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
