Where are you?
In a non slutty way
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize
