like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
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