How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
