he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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