I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
