....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
