During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
