She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
