Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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