I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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