This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
