They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
