I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i will never coherently bang her
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Randomize