How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
