i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
