She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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