I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
