he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
