So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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