saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
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