I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
