I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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