So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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